I'm so sorry to say, that Thursday evening was my own personal Hell....and I'm still here but with the support of so many all around me. Wading through the sick darkness of new knowledge and how to get through it.
The vet appointment to review the xrays were literally black and white; bad news...No, the worst news. Lazarus's coffin bone in his bad leg, his rear right, has gone from shifting bi-laterally which we were stabilizing- to now dropped in a forward severe rotation. There is nerve damage, which has created dead cells...a dying hoof and possible dying bone in his leg. This new rotation is the most severe since the beginning. I couldn't believe it. Could not. I couldn't hear, swallow, or see for a moment.
I literally couldn't breathe.
I felt my whole body drop when I heard the vet say the word "Bad." I didn't think I would lose this battle. I thought I could throw my scraped money and all my love into Lazarus and hopefully have better results, slowly, but positive.
Nature has a different plan.
Things have stopped and shifted. We are no longer able to treat him or put him through anymore. The once hopes of me treating him so he could be rideable once again, quickly shifted to 'can he live a quality life?' and that answer is a devastating 'No.'
I have had since Thursday to attempt to wrap my head around this.
It's my brain versus my heart and as you all know, it's impossible to separate.
Where we are at now, after many discussions with vet/farrier/family is I went ahead and put new heart bar shoes on his feet, and we have Lazarus comfortable on pain meds. His mind, heart, lungs, gut is healthy...but sweet Lazarus has a dying foot/leg and it's catching up to him. It's destroying my boy and destroying my heart. I can't say that this isn't changing me. It's killing me, but I have chosen to take the couple weeks that I have with him, while he is pain free, and enjoy it as much as we can together.
I am so thankful that I still have my sweet Laz and will enjoy our last moments together. I am lucky to have my family in town ironically, and my unbelievably supportive husband and friends, and the amazing BO's too. I am lucky above all, to have had a horse like Lazarus in my life that has forever taught me that the love of a horse is simply amazing.
As for the next couple of weeks, it will be insanely unfair and difficult, but we will get through and we will be with him until his last day, and until that day, he will be so loved.
Lazarus is adjusting to his new shoes and still eating/drinking/rolling and being a loved horse. He will live the remaining days unbelievably spoiled and loved, and the day we have to put him down will be impossible but it will be for his comfort and for the intent of not having him deteriorate anymore, which is coming. I don't want my strong boy to live his life failing and feeling trapped by his dying leg. I want him to enjoy these last couple of weeks healthy (as healthy as he is now) before the worst starts showing and coming and hurting him.
I'm so sorry to report with such awful news as I know so many that have known Lazarus in life, or in this blog, were touched by him. I feel better knowing that his little Bay OTTB has experienced what love and care from an owner, can feel like. He is amazing to me.
Courageous and brave and I need to be the same for him.