It's been a few days since Hell.
It is not easy, but I feel I have found some footing.
It's a pain in my heart, that I feel in my throat, in my stomach, my mind. I try to leave it in my car when I pull up to the barn. Sometimes, I'm able to....mostly, I am not. I don't want to cry or feel sad but how can I not? I'm losing my beloved first horse. I am trying to be thankful that I have a couple of weeks with him, that in the face of this most unfair choice by nature, that at least I have him to say goodbye for a little while. I have time. That is something so many of other great horse owners, have not had.
I'm taking that opportunity with both hands and gripping it.
Right now, I am able to still smell, touch, feel, see Lazarus.
I have my good friend, an insanely talented photographer coming out this Saturday for a photo shoot. I can not wait to see those images, to have those images forever. To show my future (hopefully) horse loving children the photos of Lazarus.
I have been with Lazarus everyday since Thursday except for today. It's a freaking snow blizzard, I have to work and as life happens, we lost my Husband's Stepfather over the weekend, in his long battle against lung cancer. I will be gone Wed-Friday to be with our family for that loss. I am finding that the numbness helps and I think I am stronger than I originally thought. I am surrounded by an amazing group; family, friends, blogger friends who lend support in forms of understanding, compassion and even humor. We must laugh in the darkest hours to prevent totally loosing it. I am thankful to be married to a sweet, funny and unbelievably supportive husband who holds me and makes me laugh when I need it most.
So, in finding some normalcy, my Mom and I have spent the last four days with Lazarus. Lazarus is doing quite well (aside from his nerve damage and dying hoof and dying coffin bone-that is there and not changing) but he is eating/drinking, rubbing his giant, beautiful head all over us, enjoying his grooming, laying down, rolling, moving and in fact, in talking to the BO, enjoying this snow storm. He has the choice to be out in his personal paddock or inside in well bedded stall, and the 3" snow layer on his coat proves he has had enough of the stall life from his past, and prefers to be an outdoor gentleman. Whatever he wants. That is my 'm.o' for Laz now.
Whatever he wants, he will get. I will make damn sure of that.
Starting with treats...
Standing brave and tall getting his last shoes.
I don't know if it's that I'm seeing things differently, or just more clearly now but I swear...I'm seeing the signs. His eyes are a bit different and his body seems a bit different.
Weaker. Tired.
His Spirit is still strong, but now I know, it just won't be for long.
Just enjoying the lovely details of Lazarus
The back of his hind leg above his knee
His closed eye, soft and calm
Life.
My boy loves to eat, and I find his wet mouth so calming and kissable
Diving in for the soft bottom goodies
Touch
Ellie, who will be two this spring, watches over Laz often
Part of our everyday 4 month routine
Mason and the BO's two dogs, help keep things light and fun during harder moments
Today, Mason at home with me, patiently waiting for tomorrow to play
You're right to enjoy him as much as you can while you can - lovely idea to do the photo shoot for the memories. And the blessed thing is that horses don't know what is coming- he will be at peace and comfortable while he enjoys his last days with you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you....He seems like a wonderful boy.
ReplyDeleteI am having so much trouble reading your posts. I really can't imagine being as strong as you are being. Laz is lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteKristen, you are an amazingly strong woman. Can't wait to see some of the photos from the shoot- what an excellent idea!
ReplyDeletePrayers going out to your husbands family as well.
Thanks for sharing so much of your journey with us. I know all too well how much this hurts, as many of us do. Your sharing as much as you are, now, is incredible. Thank you.
Smooch Laz from us all! (Hmm... you might be stuck to his lovely muzzle for a few days with all the smooching to be passed along just from the blogging community!)
I cannot wait to see how your photo shoot turns out! I am sure you are going to get some amazing pictures! I admire your strength in the face of so much loss and I think that being numb might not be a bad idea right now. Your body is just trying to protect itself from going into overload. I hope the weather is better tomorrow so you can get out there to see him before you have to go away again.
ReplyDeleteSuch sweet photos, thank you for sharing them with us. I can tell the feeling is very bittersweet for you, but I'm so glad you have this time to spend with him. Very sorry to hear you're dealing with another loss right now, life does seem to throw a lot at us at once sometimes. You and Laz have been in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your husband's stepfather. Prayers to you and his family.
ReplyDeleteThe photo shoot of you and Laz is a wonderful idea! I love the special moments you are sharing with him during his last few days. Just savoring the small things. I understand the tears, and I think you are amazingly strong.
I am not sure if you have heard of this, but have you considered saving a lock of his tail to have braided or made into something special? I've seen a lot of people on blogs who have done this.
Hang in there and know that we are all thinking of you out here, and beside you every step of the way!
Kristen, as I am reading your blog, I find myself crying like a little girl. It reminds me of when I lost my first horse. He was a wonderful paint pony, whom I learned EVERYTHING on. I totally feel your pain. Spend as much time as you can with him and show him you love him with all your heart and he will appreciate it. He loves you unconditionally. Hang in there, our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteKristen, Everyone is thinking of you! I hope that the final weeks are a peaceful one for both you and Laz. He loves you unconditionally, and you gave him the most wonderful life.
ReplyDeleteI find it impossible not to break down in tears reading your posts, good luck for me explaining that to co-workers. How my heart hurts so much for someone I don't even know. You are so strong. I am afraid I would run away and ask someone else to take care of my boy bc I don't think I would have the heart to be there. But you (and eyeonthehorse.blogspot) certainly inspired me. Yesterday the weather was crappy, but I went to the barn, because I have my boy and I am SO blessed. I have to enjoy him every moment I can, bc you never know when it will all be gone.
ReplyDeleteThoughts are with you and Laz!
Laz is a very lucky and blessed horse to have such a caring and compassionate "mom" like you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for strength. As hard as it is to let them go, whether planned or unplanned, I know my boy who was my first horse that I lost in 2006, is waiting for me at those pearly gates. Because I don't believe in a heaven with no horses. Give Laz a bag of cookies for me. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThis is a terrible and bittersweet time. Sometimes we lose someone with no warning, and we don't get to say goodbye, I'm glad you are at least getting this time together.
ReplyDeleteIt's a small blessing.
Thinking of you and an extra carrot from Texas to Laz...
As much as you are hurting, it's great to see that Laz is peaceful, happy, and blissfully unaware. That's the great thing about animals -- they truly live in the moment. He's obviously relaxed and content when you're with him.
ReplyDeleteAs others have suggested, make sure you get a nice big lock of hair from his tail. Then you can get it made into a bracelet or dream catcher, etc. When my horse passed away, I took a big lock from his tail and also had the vet pull one of his shoes for me.
Please remember that we're all thinking of you. Many of us have lost our sweet, beloved horsey friends; and, while it's always heartbreaking, I promise you that there is light on the other side.
Hugs to you and Laz!