It's been a few days since Hell.
It is not easy, but I feel I have found some footing.
It's a pain in my heart, that I feel in my throat, in my stomach, my mind. I try to leave it in my car when I pull up to the barn. Sometimes, I'm able to....mostly, I am not. I don't want to cry or feel sad but how can I not? I'm losing my beloved first horse. I am trying to be thankful that I have a couple of weeks with him, that in the face of this most unfair choice by nature, that at least I have him to say goodbye for a little while. I have time. That is something so many of other great horse owners, have not had.
I'm taking that opportunity with both hands and gripping it.
Right now, I am able to still smell, touch, feel, see Lazarus.
I have my good friend, an insanely talented photographer coming out this Saturday for a photo shoot. I can not wait to see those images, to have those images forever. To show my future (hopefully) horse loving children the photos of Lazarus.
I have been with Lazarus everyday since Thursday except for today. It's a freaking snow blizzard, I have to work and as life happens, we lost my Husband's Stepfather over the weekend, in his long battle against lung cancer. I will be gone Wed-Friday to be with our family for that loss. I am finding that the numbness helps and I think I am stronger than I originally thought. I am surrounded by an amazing group; family, friends, blogger friends who lend support in forms of understanding, compassion and even humor. We must laugh in the darkest hours to prevent totally loosing it. I am thankful to be married to a sweet, funny and unbelievably supportive husband who holds me and makes me laugh when I need it most.
So, in finding some normalcy, my Mom and I have spent the last four days with Lazarus. Lazarus is doing quite well (aside from his nerve damage and dying hoof and dying coffin bone-that is there and not changing) but he is eating/drinking, rubbing his giant, beautiful head all over us, enjoying his grooming, laying down, rolling, moving and in fact, in talking to the BO, enjoying this snow storm. He has the choice to be out in his personal paddock or inside in well bedded stall, and the 3" snow layer on his coat proves he has had enough of the stall life from his past, and prefers to be an outdoor gentleman. Whatever he wants. That is my 'm.o' for Laz now.
Whatever he wants, he will get. I will make damn sure of that.
Starting with treats...
Standing brave and tall getting his last shoes.
I don't know if it's that I'm seeing things differently, or just more clearly now but I swear...I'm seeing the signs. His eyes are a bit different and his body seems a bit different.
His Spirit is still strong, but now I know, it just won't be for long.
Just enjoying the lovely details of Lazarus
The back of his hind leg above his knee
His closed eye, soft and calm
My boy loves to eat, and I find his wet mouth so calming and kissable
Diving in for the soft bottom goodies
Ellie, who will be two this spring, watches over Laz often
Part of our everyday 4 month routine
Mason and the BO's two dogs, help keep things light and fun during harder moments
Today, Mason at home with me, patiently waiting for tomorrow to play